Tantric visionary and educator Dawn Cartwright shares her beautiful insights about kindness in the bedroom, and the difference this can make to our intimate lives. This article appeared in our Spring 2019 issue.
The Touch Of Spirit On The Body
Kindness is the kiss we’ve been waiting for
by Dawn Cartwright
There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of spirit on the body.
Jalal ad-D?n Muhammad Rumi
The Random Acts of Kindness Movement began in a Sausalito, California, restaurant in 1982 when Anne Herbert wrote the words, ‘Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty,’ on a place mat. That day in Northern California, Anne started a revolution. Her slogan became a bumper sticker and kindness took over the world.
When we think of acts of kindness, we think of things like buying a cup of coffee for the person behind us in line, complimenting the first three people we see, giving a friend a potted plant, or surprising a neighbour with freshly baked cookies. We rarely think of random acts of kindness in the bedroom – yet we should, because kindness has been scientifically proven to be the most important quality in relationships.
MindBodyGreen writer, Elizabeth Gerson, shared a study from Michigan State University that concluded, ‘having a partner who is nice and caring leads to higher levels of satisfaction in a relationship.’ Since coffee and potted plants are out, what are some ways to bring kindness and its super powers into the bedroom?
Kindness Is The Kiss We’ve Been Waiting For All Our Lives
One of the greatest gifts we can give our lover is to feel and express our desire. With busy lives and lots of stress, we know desire is in there somewhere, yet it’s just a thought, with very little connection to reality. Let’s bring that desire and all those sensual feelings down into the body.
Give yourself at least twenty minutes before you meet in the bedroom to close the laptop, turn off the mobile phone, take a shower and feel your desire. When your lover enters the room, turn toward them. Turning your body toward someone sends the non-verbal message that you’re interested.
Conscious desire is an act of kindness between lovers.
‘There’s a habit of mind that happy couples have,’ psychologist John Gottman explained in an interview, ‘which is this: they are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building a culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.’
First, soften the muscles around your eyes and feel the tension in your eyes begin to melt. Relaxing the eyes relaxes the brain and changes how we see things. Looking for danger is one of our survival mechanisms. This is why it’s so easy to become focused on what’s wrong and lose track of what’s right.
Take a look: what are some things you can appreciate about your lover right now? Find those things and say thank you.
Appreciation is an act of kindness between lovers.
According to a research study conducted by the University of Hertfordshire, when we are touched in a way that is unhurried, meandering and pleasurable, we discover who we are.
Perhaps this is why it feels so amazing when our lover lightly traces the palm of our hand, or slowly brushes the hair from our eyes. This sort of touch, filled with tenderness and acceptance, makes us feel connected to the one touching us, and the person we truly are inside.
Every kind of touch – the touch of our gaze, affectionate touch, the touch between our bodies when we make love – creates confidence and makes us strong. When that touch is unhurried and there’s no goal, a shift of consciousness occurs. We find ourselves merging with our lover. Explore this type of meandering, pleasurable touch as a prelude to making love and completely separate from lovemaking too.
Touch is an act of kindness between lovers.
4. Something Unexpected
According to psychologist Daniel O’Leary, ‘Novelty breeds sexual excitement. As some evidence of this, research has found that the long-term couples who report having the most intense feelings for each other are those who engage in new and exciting activities together.’
Do something unexpected together, something you both enjoy. Pull your lover into the shower with you in the morning and make love to them, buy strawberry plants for the garden, book a Neo Tantra workshop, hire a sailboat, leave a love note in your lover’s pocket, press your body against theirs in the kitchen when there’s no one around.
Something unexpected is an act of kindness between lovers.
Kindness Is A Super Power
You have a super power: the power to make the person you love the most in the world, the happiest person in the world. You shine because they do. The mystical quality of your relationship is revealed, you watch as consciousness expands through your loving. Suddenly and all at once, every touch is the touch of spirit on the body.
Dawn Cartwright is a Tantric visionary, sacred writer, world traveler, and innovator in bio-energetic Tantra fusion. You’re invited to join her for The Red Tent . Women’s Sacred Sexuality, April 12th – 14th, The White Tent . Men’s Sacred Sexuality, April 25th – 26th & Be Fully Alive . Level 1 Tantra Immersion, April 26th – 28th, in the Wicklow Mountains & Weaving the Beloveds . Couples Tantra Retreat, May 3rd – 6th, in Lower Rosses, Sligo.