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Positive parenting

Knowing Your Limit by Anna Cole PhD

by Taylor Grimes
written by Taylor Grimes

Knowing When to Bring a Limit

Parenting Tools

by Anna Cole, PhD

Our Spring 2025 Issue has hit the shelves! Head to a health shop near you to pick up your copy, or further support our mission to raise consciousness by subscribing at positivelife.ie/subscribe

If you’ve been following my articles for a while, you’ll know I teach five simple—but not always easy—‘listening tools’ based on the Parenting by Connection approach, developed by Hand in Hand Parenting. These tools may sound deceptively simple, and that’s one of the things I love about them! Overworked, time-poor, and often exhausted parents need practical tools that can truly make a difference. So, here’s a quick recap of the five tools:

1. Listening Partnerships
An adult-to-adult peer support tool where you divide the time equally, set a timer, and take turns sharing about your parenting—or life—load. It’s a free exchange; it doesn’t replace the need or value for therapeutic work if you hit on very hard places in your parenting, but it acts as a much-needed safety valve or ‘oxygen mask.’ Remember what they say on aeroplanes: ‘Make sure you put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child!’

2. Special Time
A one-to-one time for parent and child where you name it: ‘Let’s have some Special Time,’ follow their lead, bring the special ingredient of delight, and adopt a ‘whatever you want to play’ attitude. Again, set a timer so you both know when it will finish. Setting a timer is great for the parent (it can be hard for many of us to offer this kind of ‘Special Time’ for any extended period), as we know how long we need to be fully present for (not always easy in the midst of a full day). The timer also means the child knows this time is protected. No looking at phones, no grabbing a cuppa halfway through play, no getting distracted with adult conversations. Special Time can be as long as a whole hour, or as short as 3 minutes!

3. Staylistening
This is an ‘emergency’ listening tool. When your child is having a meltdown or crying hard, rather than try to fix, distract, scold, or ignore, try moving in close, get centred inside, and—listen. Truly listen with your whole heart. If you are upset at their upset, and it’s hard for you to really listen in the moment, just try noticing how you are on the inside and stay close and quiet with your upset child. It may be that they just need a chance to let the storm blow through while you anchor them in choppy waters before the sunshine emerges once again.

4. Playlistening
Simply follow the laughs, taking a less powerful role (but no tickling, as this overpowers your child’s natural reflexes). For example, during a pillow fight, play-act some really good falls, as if they really got you hard when you’re hit. Ham it up a little, without teasing them, and only match the child’s capacity in terms of strength.

5. Setting Limits
This tool requires quite a bit of discernment. Many caring parents aren’t sure when to set a limit, and certainly how to do so without being harsh or shaming. Setting limits means moving in and gently but firmly stopping off-track behaviour without relying on verbal commands. For example, moving close and holding the hand that’s about to pull their sister’s hair.

Five words or less

A simple rule of thumb with Setting Limits is five words or less: “I won’t let you hit your sister.” An off-track child isn’t using their pre-frontal cortex; they are acting from ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode. Move in as you would toward a frightened animal, then gently stop them from escalating—stopping them from attacking a sibling, for example. Be prepared to staylisten. That upset can help reset them, allowing them to return to a calmer state.

Of course, it’s not always that simple in real life. It can be loud, messy, and confusing. The noise and chaos don’t mean it’s not ‘working,’ but it might be hard to set and hold a limit when we’re riled up inside ourselves.

This is when you need to remember to circle back regularly to Listening Partnerships. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to reach out to someone in the thick of things, but definitely try to schedule weekly—if not more frequent—time to let off some steam with a caring, non-judgmental adult listener. This will help you keep your head the next time you need to set a limit.

A good rule of thumb with limits is early and often. You’re aiming to move in from a calm and connected place to stop off-track behavior with warmth and firmness.

It requires discernment

For all parents, me included, limits require discernment. For some of us who grew up with permissive or authoritarian parents, or a confusing combination of both, it’s not always obvious when to set a limit. I’ve found this especially true as my children have grown. When they were younger, it was easier to recognize when a limit was needed—like when one sibling was being aggressive toward another. But as children grow and their behaviors become more self-regulated, it can be harder to gauge exactly when a limit is necessary. More on this next time.

Try This at Home

Reflect on these questions with a Listening Partner:

• What would have happened to me as a child if I had behaved like my child is behaving now? How does this influence my responses today?

• When I think about the age my child/tween/teen is now, what do I remember about my life at that age? (Stay curious about this—it may offer clues about your own triggers or confusion around setting limits.)

As you reflect on these questions, let the feelings emerge and roll. This process will help you gain more clarity and discernment in your own journey with limit setting. Go forth, brave parents, as my favorite parenting mentor Patty Wipfler from Hand in Hand Parenting might say. I look forward to connecting with you in the next issue.

—

Dr Anna Cole is a parenting educator, writer and researcher.  She worked for a decade as the Regional and Research Lead in the UK for Hand in Hand Parenting (Palo Alto, California).  annac@handinhandparenting.org  handinhandparenting.org

 

 

 

 

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Positive parenting

Great Spirit Is Born In Us

by Taylor Grimes
written by Taylor Grimes
Great Spirit is Born in Us with Our Children 

Anna Cole, PhD, Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor 

handinhandparenting.org 

Our Autumn Issue is out now and available at a health store near you. The theme of this mag is Divine/Christ Consciousness! For a full list of our stockists, see https://www.positivelife.ie/magazine/stockists/

When I was pregnant with my first child, some years ago now, my PhD supervisor, a blonde hard-nosed bombshell with a social science background and legal training from my other life back in Australia as an academic researcher, came to visit. I was about eight and a half months pregnant and ripe and bursting, musing on baby names… and about to embark on a journey of birth and parenting that I could not even imagine.   

My academic supervisor was a parent of two older children, and she said to me then, something that I’ve never forgotten. She simply said, “Once you have your baby, Anna, you won’t be able to watch the news the same way you did before”. And she was right.   

After my daughter was born, my consciousness expanded as exponentially as my womb and birth canal had during her birth. I could no longer watch world news of conflict zones, killings and wars without knowing with terrible visceral certainty that everyone I saw in an army uniform, or starving in a refugee camp or being blown up by bombs, had been somebody’s baby. 

Someone, if they’d been allowed to and were still alive themselves, had expanded their whole physicality and, along with it, their consciousness to birth, protect, feed and love this baby enough in whatever limited way for it to make it through to adulthood. 

Parenting can be a portal into a consciousness that is vast and connecting. I think this is, in part, why parenting can feel so especially hard at times – we mothers, for example, have opened our wombs and our consciousness to – what the late, great Sinéad O’Connor called – the Universal Mother. And we know, we sense, we feel, that we are all connected. What happens in Gaza happens inside our hearts. 

Then hard times come, triggering our old wounds, or they rip deep new wounds, trauma happens, or someone or society abuses us, and this can lead, as Sinéad knew all too well, to hurt the thing we love the most – our child – who is?filled with divinity. We can then?go on?to hurt, or abuse, or ignore, or belittle this divine being. 

And within this painful truth of being human, I have witnessed a universal consciousness in parents, even some who have been shockingly hurt by violence in our world.   

I remember in the recent aftermath of the Paris shootings at the Bataclan theatre some years ago, a man, Antoine Leiris, spoke in tribute to his wife, killed that night:  

“…On Friday night you stole away the love of my life, my wife, the mother of my [17 month old] son, but you will not have my hatred… responding to this act with anger would be to give in to the same ignorance that made you what you became…”  

His words reminded me of a horrific loss in my family and the profound love, rather than hate, expressed by the parents after their three children and her Dad had been killed when a passenger jet was shot down over Ukrainian airspace by a Russian rocket. 

In the aftermath, there were calls for retribution from the public and from several in high office. But within days, these children’s parents had issued a statement to ‘the soldiers in the Ukraine, politicians, media, and friends and family’: 

‘…our pain is intense and relentless…we live in a hell beyond hell…no-one deserves what we are going through.? Not even the people who shot our whole family out of the sky…no hate in the world is as strong as the love we have for our children.  

No hate in the world is as strong as the love we have for each other.  

This is a revelation that gives us some comfort. We ask everyone to remember this when you are making any decisions that affect us and the other victims of this horror…“  

World events have moved on since then, and those same Ukranian soldiers they appealed to for calm are embroiled in a nightmare, not of their making. 

There are a few guideposts we can use as parents in the aftermath of the killings and suffering around the world and the other acts of violence that drag on our hopes for a safe and peaceful world. We can continue to walk closer to the Universal Mother. 

Firstly, we as parents and human beings need to talk with each other so we can work through our feelings and reactions to shocking world events. We need to do this at times when our children are not present so they don’t have to carry the burden of the emotions we express.  

We do need to offload our grief. We may need to show our outrage and fight the helplessness we feel with moments of complete anger. It’s a relief to be supported to show our deeply human responses – crying, trembling, and an open show of upset. 

Accessing our gut feelings can help us recover our ability to use the power we do have. Once we’re freed from our reactions, there is much we can do in our families and communities to make the world right.   

It is important for our children to see that we care about people and about justice in the world. But part of our job is to protect young children from constant exposure to news of harm and hurt—there is so much effort to connect and repair that finds no spotlight in the world news. Play Stevie Wonder’s song for Martin Luther King loudly in your car, sing along, and tune in to his divine consciousness. 

And it seems to me that “together” is the watchword for dealing with news of violence or death. “What can we do together, as a family, to remember those who died and offer our caring?” is a healing question. We can ask our young children for their ideas and offer our own. Light a candle? Have a moment of silence?  

We do well to listen to our children’s thoughts and choices – and to their feelings as well. 

We can remind our children of what we do in our families to help each other when someone is feeling hurt. For instance, we resolve fights by listening carefully.   

We make sure people don’t speak hurtfully about anyone else.   

We ask someone to listen to our own feelings of upset whenever we can.   

And we reach out to people we know have had trouble so that they don’t lose hope, or their sense that others care about them.   

As my bereaved relatives said in the face of their horrific loss: “So far, every moment since we arrived home, we have been surrounded by family and friends. We desperately pray this continues because it is this expression of love that is keeping us alive”. 

As parents, we know it takes a great amount of person-to-person love, work and commitment to keep even a small group of people working co-operatively together. Still, it’s these heartfelt skills that we develop – and that widened 360-degree view on life – born as our children are birthed – that are the same skills and consciousness needed to heal our human community. 

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Positive parenting

Heart-Based Tools for Parenting Through Transitions

by Admin
written by Admin

Our Summer 2024 Issue has hit the shelves and this issues theme is The Heart! The magazine is now available at a health shop near you, or you can subscribe to have each issue delivered right to your door at https://www.positivelife.ie/subscribe/

Heart-based tools for parenting through transitions

By Anna Cole PhD

It’s the first bright days of early summer as I write. There are wild roses on their thorny branches proliferating and bumblebees quietly buzzing by. I’m reflecting on the first half of the year, running by at pace, and want to share with you something I journaled from my heart at the end of a school year gone by…

I’ve just walked my son to school for the last time.

It feels significant because he’s my second child and my youngest. His older sister made this same leap from primary to secondary school a couple of years ago and now walks in on her own to the local high school. This time around, the end of the school run is really sinking in. Internally, I’ve railed against this walk some days: that steep, steep hill just as we leave the house and then the long sweep down New Road, where the air feels fresher, away from the busy street outside our front door.

Remembering the good, the bad and the special

My son Max has scooted, he’s occasionally skateboarded, and sometimes he’s just walked. I’ve mainly walked, sometimes biked. Oftentimes, we’ve talked. We’ve joked. Sometimes, we’ve walked in thoughtful silence, both ruminating away about our day. I’ve done unannounced ‘Special Time’ there and back sometimes, one of the five ‘listening tools’ I learnt through Hand in Hand Parenting. Special Time is a one-on-one parent/child ‘tool’, bringing delight, following their lead with extra eye contact and warmth.

I’ve felt the transformation possible in being warmly delighted, present and close to his every gesture and word.

We’ve stopped at the 20 pence box and once bought a hoodie and lego, even a game of mini-skid-ball in immaculate condition, which we brought home, played and then lost the pieces under the sofa. They are there still, waiting to be retrieved.

We’ve walked through frost, through rain, through cold, slate grey days that felt like they’d never end, and hot, warm, windy summer mornings like today.

And today, as I drop him off and say goodbye I walk home and offer myself some unannounced Special Time. I notice and appreciate my feet in their red sandals, walking the well-trodden route to and from school.

I notice my heart, full and pushing against my ribcage, throbbing with joy and sorrow at moving on and letting go.

I remember my parenting journey through the primary school years and recall learning seven years ago, as my son began his first week at school, the connecting power of starting each school day with Special Time.

Ten minutes dedicated to tuning in and bringing my warm delight helped both of us transition to a new routine.

Those Special Times brought a closeness and safety to our goodbyes that supported me, as much as him, in letting go. It felt easier to watch him looking so little in the line, waiting to enter his new classroom after we’d started the day like that.

I remember, too, Staylistening one winter’s afternoon in the deserted, misty tennis court in nearby Brockwell Park when Max vocally and angrily expressed his dislike of the rules and constant limits at school. Staylistening is an ‘emergency listening tool’ when in the face of a big emotional upset in your child; rather than distracting or punishing, silencing or cajoling, you simply move close, stop unworkable behaviour with warm hands and heart, and listen. Listen to it all, not just the words, but the feelings, the somatic expression of the rage, loss, grief, anger – the pain of being a little (or big) human being.

I remember a lumbering ‘swear monster’ who clumsily chased the laughing boys when an infection of ‘bad words’ took over the classroom, and a whole new range of swear words was being tried out on a regular basis. I remember the other Playlistening games we played  – role reversal games, where the adult takes the less powerful role, takes the challenging issue to the ‘play zone’ and follows the laughs (with no tickling). This tool can release the first layer of fear and tension through laughter that leads, when built up, to outbursts of aggression in our children. I have tried Playlistening around teasing in our bid to warm up the connection with new friends, friends who are now old friends, dear friends, best friends.

Further back, I remember Staylistening at Sports Day, and I remember Special Time and Playlistening and games of hide and seek and chasey when we moved into a new house in a new town and were still acclimatising to this new school.

I remember raging and crying myself about the school reward and punishment system at schools and being heard by my Listening Partnerships, a peer-to-peer, equal exchange of non-judgemental ‘listening’ to the ‘all of it’. I raged and cried in my Listening Partnerships about the lack of understanding I saw out there about the reasons for children’s off-track behaviour, as well as compassionate, effective responses.

Don’t lose heart

I remember feeling like I wanted to give up, and then finding new directions to try after a number of Listening Partnerships, which led to working on a document about introducing Special Time in schools with a fellow Hand in Hand Instructor and the Learning Mentor programme that grew out of that initiative at my son’s school.

I notice how, in the times I’ve practiced the Hand in Hand tools, I took heart, I found my courage and my connection and have somehow slowed down the river of time, or slowed myself down enough to notice it, running so constantly, so brightly and yet so silently through my life.

As I come to the end of my walk back from the school run, I pass a little boy, maybe four years old, with bright red hair. Perhaps he’ll be starting school for the first time this coming September. Right now, he is attempting to navigate his way up the path by climbing on a low handrail. His Mum is patient, but her expression suggests she needs to move faster than his explorations allow.

I empathize with her, and a part of me wants to say, if you can, savour this moment; that river of time is flowing.

If I could, I would stop and share what I know about slowing time with the Hand in Hand Parenting Listening Tools right here, but today I smile at him and at her, and walk on.

Inside, I recommit. I recommit to keep on practicing and teaching these tools in my life and sharing them with as many parents as I can so that each of them may experience the comfort and joy they bring in the face of the many transitions that parenting brings.

As the river keeps flowing and our children keep growing.

If you’d like to try out the heart-based tools of parenting described here, check out handinhandparenting.org. Get in touch with Anna for individual or group support: anna@handinhandparenting.org

Drop into your Heart this Summer and pick up a copy of the magazine at a stockist near you! Our full list of stockists can be found here, https://www.positivelife.ie/magazine/stockists/

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Positive News & InterviewsPositive parenting

Positive Parenting: Responding with Equanimity to Aggressive Behaviours

by Admin
written by Admin

Our Spring 2024 Issue is out now! The theme of this magazine is Equanimity. Pick up your copy at a health store near you or subscribe to have the magazine delivered to your door each season https://www.positivelife.ie/subscribe/

…By responding with equanimity, warmth and loving limits, we can change the world one aggressive interaction at a time.

It can seem, reading the daily news, that extreme acts of violence, hatred, retaliation and aggression are spiralling out of control in our world. While we may watch the world news in horror and hopelessness, those of us who are parents will know
even the sweetest of children can lash out aggressively when you least expect it. If you’ve ever found yourself wincing with embarrassment at the local playgroup after your child has grabbed another’s hair or bitten someone or found your frustration skyrocketing when your sweet daughter has shoved her little brother hard – again – you are not alone. You’re not a bad parent when your child acts out aggressively, and nor are they bad children.

Responding with equanimity to your child in the face of aggressive behaviours can restore hope to your home, and this hope can spiral out to the wider world. It can help to remember that an aggressive child is, at base, a frightened one. Often the fears that make a child act out in “fight” mode (rather than flight or freeze) got stuck in their limbic brain, the seat of long-term memory, some time back and didn’t get processed at the time. That same strong impulse can flare up again when anything in the present triggers an implicit memory. Patty Wipfler, Founder at Hand in Hand Parenting, says: “A child can’t tell you: I feel afraid for my life just like when I got stuck in the birth canal for three hours. She will simply show panic or outrage whenever another child crowds too close to her. She won’t say: I feel scared, the same way I did when I cut my head badly last year. But when you try to help her with a simple scraped knee, she’ll kick you and demand that you leave her alone”.

How, as a parent, can you address such behaviour with equanimity and model a way out of the aggression?

Here are some essential first-aid steps to take:

1. First, start with yourself.  When our children are aggressive, it triggers a whirlwind of emotions in us. Take time out to talk to another adult who can listen to your feelings for a time without advice or judgment. It is this that will allow you to act on the next few suggestions rather than react towards your child. Say all the outrageous things you’d like to say to your child, but know that it will only fuel the fires of anger in you both. Shake a pillow or push hard on a wall; let all your own frustrations out with the help of a good, non-judgemental adult listener.

2. Observe your child: When does aggressive behaviour tend to happen? With a sibling when they are alone together in another room? When you have been away at meetings or travelling? Allow yourself a few days to observe your child, and this will give you a good idea of what the triggers are for them.

3. Do a ‘friendly patrol’: Stay close by when something might happen. Say your child is at playgroup, and it’s usually a struggle over toys that leads to aggression. When the expected behaviour begins, move in quickly and calmly, physically preventing the fist to land or the teeth from biting.

4. Reach out and connect: Let your childknow, through tone of voice, warm eye contact and gentle but clear limits that it is safe enough for all those big feelings to now come out.

Remember, they can’t reason with you right now; they are flooded by their limbic brain, but you might want to let them know you are fully there for them: “I know you don’t feel good,” “I’m right here, and I’ll keep things safe for you,” “It looks like things are hard right now”. Don’t fight fire with fire. Parents, we each hold the future of our world in our hands and together, by responding with equanimity, warmth and loving limits, we can change the world one aggressive interaction at a time.
Dealing with aggression in our children is hard; it will trigger strong feelings in us, and this short article will only scrape the surface. Contact Hand in Hand Parenting (handinhandparenting. org) for more support, ideas and practical help. Let’s change the world and point it in the direction of peace and equanimity, one parent at a time.

Anna Cole, PhD is a certified Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor and Regional Lead in the UK/Ireland. She is a writer and participatory action researcher. She runs classes both in-person and online, gives talks and runs workshops for individuals, families, communities and organisations. For more information, contact anna@handinhandparenting.org

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