Knowing When to Bring a Limit
Parenting Tools
by Anna Cole, PhD
Our Spring 2025 Issue has hit the shelves! Head to a health shop near you to pick up your copy, or further support our mission to raise consciousness by subscribing at positivelife.ie/subscribe
If you’ve been following my articles for a while, you’ll know I teach five simple—but not always easy—‘listening tools’ based on the Parenting by Connection approach, developed by Hand in Hand Parenting. These tools may sound deceptively simple, and that’s one of the things I love about them! Overworked, time-poor, and often exhausted parents need practical tools that can truly make a difference. So, here’s a quick recap of the five tools:
1. Listening Partnerships
An adult-to-adult peer support tool where you divide the time equally, set a timer, and take turns sharing about your parenting—or life—load. It’s a free exchange; it doesn’t replace the need or value for therapeutic work if you hit on very hard places in your parenting, but it acts as a much-needed safety valve or ‘oxygen mask.’ Remember what they say on aeroplanes: ‘Make sure you put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child!’
2. Special Time
A one-to-one time for parent and child where you name it: ‘Let’s have some Special Time,’ follow their lead, bring the special ingredient of delight, and adopt a ‘whatever you want to play’ attitude. Again, set a timer so you both know when it will finish. Setting a timer is great for the parent (it can be hard for many of us to offer this kind of ‘Special Time’ for any extended period), as we know how long we need to be fully present for (not always easy in the midst of a full day). The timer also means the child knows this time is protected. No looking at phones, no grabbing a cuppa halfway through play, no getting distracted with adult conversations. Special Time can be as long as a whole hour, or as short as 3 minutes!
3. Staylistening
This is an ‘emergency’ listening tool. When your child is having a meltdown or crying hard, rather than try to fix, distract, scold, or ignore, try moving in close, get centred inside, and—listen. Truly listen with your whole heart. If you are upset at their upset, and it’s hard for you to really listen in the moment, just try noticing how you are on the inside and stay close and quiet with your upset child. It may be that they just need a chance to let the storm blow through while you anchor them in choppy waters before the sunshine emerges once again.
4. Playlistening
Simply follow the laughs, taking a less powerful role (but no tickling, as this overpowers your child’s natural reflexes). For example, during a pillow fight, play-act some really good falls, as if they really got you hard when you’re hit. Ham it up a little, without teasing them, and only match the child’s capacity in terms of strength.
5. Setting Limits
This tool requires quite a bit of discernment. Many caring parents aren’t sure when to set a limit, and certainly how to do so without being harsh or shaming. Setting limits means moving in and gently but firmly stopping off-track behaviour without relying on verbal commands. For example, moving close and holding the hand that’s about to pull their sister’s hair.
Five words or less
A simple rule of thumb with Setting Limits is five words or less: “I won’t let you hit your sister.” An off-track child isn’t using their pre-frontal cortex; they are acting from ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode. Move in as you would toward a frightened animal, then gently stop them from escalating—stopping them from attacking a sibling, for example. Be prepared to staylisten. That upset can help reset them, allowing them to return to a calmer state.
Of course, it’s not always that simple in real life. It can be loud, messy, and confusing. The noise and chaos don’t mean it’s not ‘working,’ but it might be hard to set and hold a limit when we’re riled up inside ourselves.
This is when you need to remember to circle back regularly to Listening Partnerships. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to reach out to someone in the thick of things, but definitely try to schedule weekly—if not more frequent—time to let off some steam with a caring, non-judgmental adult listener. This will help you keep your head the next time you need to set a limit.
A good rule of thumb with limits is early and often. You’re aiming to move in from a calm and connected place to stop off-track behavior with warmth and firmness.
It requires discernment
For all parents, me included, limits require discernment. For some of us who grew up with permissive or authoritarian parents, or a confusing combination of both, it’s not always obvious when to set a limit. I’ve found this especially true as my children have grown. When they were younger, it was easier to recognize when a limit was needed—like when one sibling was being aggressive toward another. But as children grow and their behaviors become more self-regulated, it can be harder to gauge exactly when a limit is necessary. More on this next time.
Try This at Home
Reflect on these questions with a Listening Partner:
• What would have happened to me as a child if I had behaved like my child is behaving now? How does this influence my responses today?
• When I think about the age my child/tween/teen is now, what do I remember about my life at that age? (Stay curious about this—it may offer clues about your own triggers or confusion around setting limits.)
As you reflect on these questions, let the feelings emerge and roll. This process will help you gain more clarity and discernment in your own journey with limit setting. Go forth, brave parents, as my favorite parenting mentor Patty Wipfler from Hand in Hand Parenting might say. I look forward to connecting with you in the next issue.
—
Dr Anna Cole is a parenting educator, writer and researcher. She worked for a decade as the Regional and Research Lead in the UK for Hand in Hand Parenting (Palo Alto, California). annac@handinhandparenting.org handinhandparenting.org
