In our Summer 2020 issue, our resident parenting expert Anna Cole wrote about the value of doing a parenting ‘re-set’ during tense times. We previously published a sneak peek of her article, and today, we wanted to share the whole thing. Enjoy!
In our new Summer 2020 issue, our regular parenting columnist Anna Cole wrote about the value of a parental ‘re-set’ during tense times. Today, we wanted to share a sneak peek of her article, to give you a taste of parenting wisdom. Read on and enjoy!
We love this article from our Spring 2020 issue, by our resident parenting educator Anna Cole. Here, she discusses why parents may need a ‘parenting re-set’ when they have been rearing their children for a decade or more. Read on for her tips!
In this extract from our Spring 2019 issue, Hand in Hand Parenting expert and educator Anna Cole describes how old, seemingly insignificant memories – even ones stemming from their birth – can unconsciously affect our children, and how we as parents can help. To read the full article, just pick up a copy of the magazine in your local stockist or subscribe here.
In this sneak peek of the Positive Parenting article from our Spring issue, Anna Cole compassionately addresses the issue of parental guilt: an all-too-common emotion to those who always strive to do their best for the children in their care. You can read the full article by picking up a copy of the Spring issue, or subscribing to have it delivered straight to your door.
By Anna Cole
‘Guilty feet have got no rhythm.’
The longer I work with parents, and the longer I am a parent, the more I realise that we all feel truck-loads of guilt. We instinctively don’t want our children to get hurt. Ever. We ardently wish we could make a perfect life for them. But, unfortunately, we don’t have the power to protect our children from all the hurts we wish we could: the loss of a beloved family member that knocked you, and them, for six; the move you did for work and the dislocation on your child’s schooling; or perhaps you stayed put, but the class bully picked on your child; maybe you got sick and haven’t been able to be there as much as you’d like; perhaps violence or impoverishment in your neighbourhood has affected your child, or perhaps, like many of us, you’ve been through separation or divorce and worry about the impact of that on your child. You will be able to add to this list, I am sure.
So here’s the headline: it’s not possible to make our child’s life perfect. And the good news is: it’s also not necessary. Children come with a simple, elegant way of recovering from hurt, which I will discuss in our next issue. Right now I want to focus on what we as parents can do to help ourselves so we can best help our kids.
The first thing you need to know is that you have done your best. It’s not your fault things got hard, but it is your responsibility to do something about it. Take your regret to your Listening Partner (for more information on Listening Partnerships and how to find one, see the link in ‘resources’ below). In your Listening Partnership you can cry, tremble, shout and rage about the things you regret. Shed those tears. They are the rain that falls and makes the flowers so sweet in the spring. Share the dark thoughts you have, then leave them behind, and when you start feeling bad again, go back and have another Listening Partnership. You have the right to be pleased with yourself, and that’s what your child wants for you. They don’t want you feeling awful. They want you to play. They want you to be there with them, present and relaxed.
You can read Anna’s full article in our Spring 2018 issue, available at your nearest stockist, or via subscription.
In our Winter 2017/18 issue, our Positive Parenting writer, Anna Cole, shared her advice on how to be there for your child during those tricky preteen years. She brings all of her wisdom as a parent educator, researcher, writer, and a certified instructor with Hand in Hand Parenting to this moving article. To learn more about Anna’s work, visit Hand in Hand Parenting with Anna Cole or go to www.handinhandparenting.org.
By Anna Cole
As the trees lose their leaves once again and the ‘dark half of the year,’ as the ancient Celts called it, begins again, I’m reflecting on the long road of parenting. From the moment of conception to that busy, grumpy pre-teen standing in front of you looking for their school shoes, it can seem like a long, long road. ‘Parenting ends with the death of the parent,’ my mother used to say. This saying communicates something of the commitment, protectiveness, attention and ongoing love a parent feels for their infant, then toddler, child, preteen, teen, and finally young adult to full adult.
After ten years or so of walking this road, those of you who are parents of preteens may turn the corner from the early years of parenting and find that you no longer have a warm bundle of enthusiastic hugs and giggles flinging herself at you as you return home from work. You are no longer in such high demand to give piggy-back and horsey rides, and you are no longer hearing the squeals of delight evoked in children by such simple pleasures. This comes with a mix of relief and regret. Our children – as they grown into preteens – don’t need us so much any more, right?
Wrong! They need our love and they need to feel our good attention just as much now as they did when they clung to us, sobbing, on their first day at school. They need to feel our confidence in them, and our conviction that they can find their place in this perplexing and sometimes hostile world. So how do we, who have been on the parenting road now for a decade or more – unpaid, unacknowledged, often unsupported and likely quite exhausted – keep shining our light of love on our preteen? Don’t be deceived: the newfound independence you see in your preteen isn’t a sign that your ‘use by’ date as a parent will soon be up.
The single strongest indicator that an adolescent will reach adulthood without experiencing pregnancy or violence, becoming addicted to drugs or tobacco, or dropping out of school is parent-child connectedness. Together or apart, parents of preteens and teens play a vital role in anchoring their growing child in emotional soil that will help them thrive. Here’s something you can try in your homes with children of any age to stay connected amidst the rush of the everyday.
Special Time
Set aside time, each day if possible, and weekly at the absolute minimum, to clear your mind, turn off your phone, and stop working, checking emails or clearing up the house. Be fully, warmly delighted in your preteen. Use a timer and give the space you are creating a name: ‘Mum and Me Time’ or simply ‘Special Time.’ Follow your child’s lead with an open heart and an ‘anything goes’ attitude. You are still the adult and you still get to say a warm but clear ‘no’ if risks are introduced that would impact safety.
For that fifteen minutes, or half an hour or so, your preteen gets to feel you, fully there, warmly present with them and for them. You put your adult concerns to one side, and don’t bring any of your stuff about chores not yet done to your preteen. During ‘Special Time’, gently and warmly offer eye contact or a hand on the back and be there fully for your child. Your warm attention is a healing balm for your preteen’s nervous system, often ragged from a long day of peer group interactions and inevitable jostlings for position at school.
If you’ve never tried this before and your preteen resists your warm attention or pooh-poohs your ‘Special Time,’ try doing it unannounced. Imagine they’ve just got home from school, you are working from home, and you hear them come in. Get up from your laptop and put your phone down. Go and warmly greet them. Shine delighted-in-them attention their way. You can glance at a watch or a clock as you begin and silently commit to keeping your attention with your preteen for the next five to fifteen minutes.
You’ll be surprised at the results. At first you may get a teasing and an incredulous ‘what’s wrong with you?’ from your preteen. This is a measure of the distance between this warm, uncomplicated attention from you, and the other times when you were distracted or demanding something from them. Roll with it, respond playfully, and contact in your own body the ache of the preteen longing for the same kind of affectionate attention they received when they were a sweetly exuberant four-year-old.
Anna Cole, PhD, is a parent educator, researcher, writer, and a certified instructor with Hand in Hand Parenting. She can be found on Facebook at: Hand in Hand Parenting with Anna Cole. www.handinhandparenting.org
This is an excerpt from our Summer 2017 issue. Read the rest of the article by subscribing soon so we can post you a copy or by picking up a magazine from one of our lovely stockists all over Ireland. Tell them we say hi!
By Anna Cole
It’s another summer edition of ‘Positive Life’, and for those of us who are parents, the summer will bring long school holidays and a break from the busy school routine. Ahh, peace at last … until suddenly, out of nowhere, your children are fighting over a cheap bucket and spade, your younger child has just hit your older one, and you are tearing your hair out! Sound familiar? What’s happening for children emotionally when they can’t get along with each other?
At Hand in Hand Parenting, we have observed that when all is well, kids play well together. They can co-operate, empathise, and be spontaneous and creative about how to include others in their play. A couple of days ago, I watched my young son spontaneously include his tired and grumpy pre-teen sister in a family activity by playfully approaching her like a baby cat, eventually curling up on her lap, which helped her to loosen up, get a bit silly, and get involved. I’ve seen him find ways to include his tired Mum in play too. Yesterday he invented the ‘Max sneaks up without being seen’ game, so I could lean tiredly against the kitchen counter and he could turn out some lights and sneak up on me. It loosened me up, we both had some fun, and he headed to bed connected and co-operative.
This is an excerpt from our Summer 2017 issue. Read the rest of the article by subscribing soon so we can post you a copy or by picking up a magazine from one of our lovely stockists all over Ireland. Tell them we say hi!
By Anna Cole
My sister and her nine-year-old son have just been staying with us. They have left Australia to live in Sweden in order to support her brother-in-law whose wife died tragically. So while we were delighted to spend time together, in the background was this profound loss and the tensions felt by the grown-ups about how to make sense of this too-early death. On our last night of their long weekend visit with us we decided to all play ‘Beetle’. It’s a silly, no-skill, dice game, perfect we thought for all ages. As it turned out, my ten-year-old son’s luck was out. When it was his go, he rolled and rolled the dice but his numbers just wouldn’t come up. After a quite a few rounds of this losing streak my son began to moan: “How come I’m always last?” His big sister is very often leagues ahead of him at school and in most other activities so, for him, it’s a familiar feeling. His moans turned into a bigger upset, and he eventually ran off from the game, crying.
I’ve practised the Hand in Hand Listening Tools for nearly ten years, and have experienced over and again the positive effects of a compassionately listened to emotional release in children. That didn’t stop me from silently wishing, that he’d ‘keep it together’. Especially with emotions running high just under the surface for all the adults in the room. In these situations, it can be so easy to slip up and give the frankly sexist message that “big boys don’t cry”, or shame the child with a careless “hey, don’t be such a sore loser”. Nor does a flippant ‘we win some, we lose some’ fit the bill. Instead we must really listen. It’s never the easy thing to do, but with lots of practice, it does become easier. Calmly, I acknowledged his dice hadn’t come up, that he didn’t like losing, and I listened closely and warmly while he cried. After around five minutes or so he was done, the rainstorm of tears was gone, and he was back in good spirits for the rest of the evening.
Later that night at bedtime, my nephew, who had been stoical but a bit tense all weekend about the big changes in his life, got upset about having to relocate from Australia for the year and start a new life in Sweden. My sister stayed and listened, and when she needed a break, I sat close to him on the bed and acknowledged it felt hard right now, but I knew he’d get through it. My son who was sharing his bedroom with him listened too and, when his cousin had stopped crying, warmly talked with him of the snow he could look forward to in Sweden and the new friends he’d make. A couple of days after they’d left my sister rang to say her son had gone off to his new school in great shape, with a bounce in his step and an eagerness to get started. She did say he’d had another couple of upsets about it in the run-up to his first day of a new school and that she’d listened. She said it was like: “he got it all out so he could look forward to it when it happened.” That’s what we at Hand in Hand Parenting call Staylistening. Try it yourself! Next time one of your children gets upset, move close, make warm gentle contact and listen with your heart open. You might be surprised at how your child shines afterwards.
STAYLISTENING – The Hows and Whys:
- During Staylistening you want to be doing at least 75% listening with just a bit of talking here and there. A child who is crying or having a tantrum is not in their ‘thinking, verbal’ pre-frontal cortex.
- The basic message you offer is simply: “I care.” “You are safe.”
- If your child has been scared: “I’m right here, I won’t go away.”
It’s worth remembering that the prefrontal cortex, the seat of verbal reasoning, takes around 21 to 25 years to fully develop in a human, whereas the limbic brain comes ‘on-line’ when your child is still in utero. Emotional responses reside in the limbic brain, which sits behind the pre-frontal cortex. While your child is growing and developing he or she will respond more to your non-verbal signals of warmth and care than to lectures, no matter how well thought out they may be. Open your heart and your mind to the tears as much as to the smiles and see how that warms your relationship with your child.
Anna Cole, Phd is a researcher, writer and parent educator with Hand in Hand Parenting. www.handinhandparenting.org. find her on Facebook (Hand in Hand Parenting with Anna Cole) to find out about her in-person and online classes. Anna is planning a Hand in Hand Parenting workshop in Ireland in the Spring.
This is an excerpt from our Winter 2016 issue. Read the rest of the article by subscribing soon so we can post you a copy or by picking up a magazine from one of our lovely stockists all over Ireland. Tell them we say hi!
“All happy families are alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ~ Tolstoy
By Anna Cole
Having had the privilege of working with parents from all walks of life and hearing of their struggles and triumphs, I can tell you Tolstoy was wrong! Not all happy families are alike. Whether you’re a sole parent (or ‘soul’ parent as I like to spell it), a two parent family with a Mum and a Dad, a two Mum family, a two Dad family, an extended multi-generational family, a melded family, an adoptive family or any variation on the theme of family, you ARE family. No two families are quite alike and all have an equal chance of being happy.
From my experience it’s all unhappy families that are alike. When arguments dominate, when people get hurt, it’s because we all lose track of how to feel connected, loving and forgiving of our many limitations and mistakes as parents. Whatever permutation of family you are living in, it’s likely that you will be sharing the care of your children to a lesser or greater extent with a partner, or ex-partner. Some of our most difficult struggles can be about how to ‘parent from the same page’. It’s natural to want our partner, or ex-partner, to parent the same way as we do. When they don’t, that can leave us feeling frustrated and lonelier than we’d hoped. These feelings lead us to behave in ways towards our parenting partner that aren’t helpful. The number one tool to help you think well about how to parent from the same page is to find someone other than your partner to tell of those frustrations. At Hand in Hand Parenting we call this a Listening Partnership. When the heat starts to rise in your parenting journey around your partner, find another parent who will listen non-judgementally to you, agree an equal exchange of time and use a timer and listen while the other lets off steam.
The guidelines when listening are:
no advice, no interruption, just warm respect and attention. No referring back to what they say afterwards and keep it confidential. When it’s your turn to talk, go with whatever needs to be said. Show your feelings fully if you can and get all that annoyance, frustration, despair or whatever it is off your chest before you then talk with your parenting partner.
This is an excerpt from our Winter 2016 issue. Read the rest of the article by subscribing soon so we can post you a copy or by picking up a magazine from one of our lovely stockists all over Ireland. Tell them we say hi!
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