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Love From The Inside Out with John Gray

by Admin

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Love From The Inside Out

Hormonal Harmony

By Alison McEvoy

John Gray, author of ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’, one of the best selling relationship books of all times, has struck again. His newest addition to the world of relationship navigation is a book called ‘Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship skills for Today’s Complex World’.

We spoke with John recently to hear his updated take on how relationships could evolve, bringing the worlds of men and women together to unite in harmony and love.

Hormonal harmony

“People are understanding the importance of hormones these days,” says John. Neuroscience and hormonal science,  John believes, holds the key to evolving our relationships.

Men and women are coming together within societies whose way of living, being, earning and consuming is one that we have never experienced before as a human race. Our biology, our hormones are also being affected by our new lifestyles, habits, attitudes, freedoms and burdens. If we are to come together in harmony then an understanding of what we ourselves are experiencing is necessary, as well as an understanding of what those who we wish to be in relationship with are experiencing.

As mother to a toddler, and bear with me on the analogy here, I know the power of researching the biological needs and capacities of the one you are desiring to learn how to love through challenges. When I studied the brain of my toddler, I was so much better equipped with patience and understanding and thus able to adjust my expectations of his responses (aka ‘big feelings’) to things. Put simply, neuroscience helped me to actively love my toddler better in daily life.

In the beginning…

All beings, biologically speaking, are born equal. For the first three weeks of life in utero there is no difference between an egg about to become a male and one destined to be biologically female. The “sex differentiation chromosome”, aka the Y chromosome, comes into play at around 3 weeks. It releases an “extra” 23 genes that make a child male, thereby enabling him to “override certain female functions.”

So, from 3 weeks on, men and women embark on their unique hormonal journey through life. Testosterone is known as the ‘male hormone’ and oestrogen is known as the ‘female hormone’. Both men and women require both however hormonal balance in men requires them to have 10-20 times more testosterone circulating in their system than women. Conversely, women’s hormonal balance requires them to have 10-20 times more oestrogen than men.

In the messy middle…

Stress is the factor which most often disrupts this balance. Chronic stress, and stress which feels insurmountable, creates an excess of a stress hormone called cortisol. Cortisol blocks the normal functioning of the hormonal system.

“When a man is stressed…his testosterone goes down and he oestrogen goes up,” states John. This hormonal disruption can bring out the worst aspects of masculinity; lack of motivation, anxiety, passivity or irritability and aggression/anger. In this kind of state, a man needs “to have a mindset and a behaviour which is going to stimulate testosterone.” If you are a woman in relationship with a man, you will also need a mindset and behaviour which will encourage testosterone.

Testosterone building Tips

 “You don’t need to suffer in a marriage (or relationship) if you know what men need, what women need, and how to respond in ways that will support them in feeling loved and motivate them to be more loving.”

 As a woman, you can help your male counterpart by simply understanding what he is going through and what he needs to do. He will need to take action, challenge himself where success is anticipated, build his confidence by proving to himself and others what he can do. This might look like getting more into his sport, taking on a project around the house, solving a meaningful problem or issue, or going for a promotion at work. If you can understand that these actions are his nature’s way of building his testosterone and leading him out of stress and into hormonal and emotional harmony, then you can be a supporter. Your appreciation for his achievements will also contribute to a rise in his testosterone.

“Women are chocolate”

 “Men are vanilla….women are more complicated.”

For women, life has changed drastically in the last 100 years. We are now in positions where we experience a lot more testosterone, as well as cortisol. We achieve outside the home, we work, we get promoted, we create successful business (testosterone building activities). However, this ability to have financial independence and a career does not raise our oestrogen levels. This is significant, as “if you are a woman and you’re feeling stressed, you need to have a mindset and a behaviour which is going to produce oestrogen.”

This means our home life needs to be oestrogen building, or in John’s words “you need to anticipate coming home to a relationship or life that generates a lot of oestrogen.” Our significant other needs to engage with us in a way that creates an abundance of oestrogen.

This kind of oestrogen rich life is one where women experience being listened to non-judgementally and understood. Where problems are worked on in tandem with others, interdependently rather than solo. Where there is a feeling of trust and safety. As a man, this is the way to make a woman feel loved-up.

Emotional balance = hormonal balance

So, there can be no more eye rolling when you man needs to play some footie, or your woman wants you to sit with her and listen to her with full attention. These are not whimsical requests. They are fundamental to hormonal and emotional balance in your beloved.


John Gray will be joining us this October for a wonderful full-day workshop!


For tickets and information, see https://www.tickettailor.com/events/positivelifemagazine/1163795

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