Our summer issue is out now. Regular contributor and parenting expert Anna Cole teaches us how to navigate the ‘rupture and repair’ cycle that plays out in all relationships so that we can better understand ourselves and our children. Keep reading to learn more…
Children
We had a guest parenting columnist in our Summer issue: Hand in Hand Parenting instructor Pamela Quiery! She wrote about how parents can transcend harsh limits with their children, while still setting clear boundaries. Read the full piece below!
We were enthralled by a beautifully simple, yet deeply profound concept that our gardening expert Hans Wieland put forward in our Spring 2020 issue: there should be a garden in every school. Hans passionately expressed what an empowering initiative this would be for children all over the country, helping them to learn more about where their food comes from, whilst cultivating a deeper connection with the Earth. Read his amazing article below!
Sneak Peek – Tackling Parental Guilt: Regain your parenting mojo after hard times
In this sneak peek of the Positive Parenting article from our Spring issue, Anna Cole compassionately addresses the issue of parental guilt: an all-too-common emotion to those who always strive to do their best for the children in their care. You can read the full article by picking up a copy of the Spring issue, or subscribing to have it delivered straight to your door.
By Anna Cole
‘Guilty feet have got no rhythm.’
The longer I work with parents, and the longer I am a parent, the more I realise that we all feel truck-loads of guilt. We instinctively don’t want our children to get hurt. Ever. We ardently wish we could make a perfect life for them. But, unfortunately, we don’t have the power to protect our children from all the hurts we wish we could: the loss of a beloved family member that knocked you, and them, for six; the move you did for work and the dislocation on your child’s schooling; or perhaps you stayed put, but the class bully picked on your child; maybe you got sick and haven’t been able to be there as much as you’d like; perhaps violence or impoverishment in your neighbourhood has affected your child, or perhaps, like many of us, you’ve been through separation or divorce and worry about the impact of that on your child. You will be able to add to this list, I am sure.
So here’s the headline: it’s not possible to make our child’s life perfect. And the good news is: it’s also not necessary. Children come with a simple, elegant way of recovering from hurt, which I will discuss in our next issue. Right now I want to focus on what we as parents can do to help ourselves so we can best help our kids.
The first thing you need to know is that you have done your best. It’s not your fault things got hard, but it is your responsibility to do something about it. Take your regret to your Listening Partner (for more information on Listening Partnerships and how to find one, see the link in ‘resources’ below). In your Listening Partnership you can cry, tremble, shout and rage about the things you regret. Shed those tears. They are the rain that falls and makes the flowers so sweet in the spring. Share the dark thoughts you have, then leave them behind, and when you start feeling bad again, go back and have another Listening Partnership. You have the right to be pleased with yourself, and that’s what your child wants for you. They don’t want you feeling awful. They want you to play. They want you to be there with them, present and relaxed.
You can read Anna’s full article in our Spring 2018 issue, available at your nearest stockist, or via subscription.
By Anna Cole
My sister and her nine-year-old son have just been staying with us. They have left Australia to live in Sweden in order to support her brother-in-law whose wife died tragically. So while we were delighted to spend time together, in the background was this profound loss and the tensions felt by the grown-ups about how to make sense of this too-early death. On our last night of their long weekend visit with us we decided to all play ‘Beetle’. It’s a silly, no-skill, dice game, perfect we thought for all ages. As it turned out, my ten-year-old son’s luck was out. When it was his go, he rolled and rolled the dice but his numbers just wouldn’t come up. After a quite a few rounds of this losing streak my son began to moan: “How come I’m always last?” His big sister is very often leagues ahead of him at school and in most other activities so, for him, it’s a familiar feeling. His moans turned into a bigger upset, and he eventually ran off from the game, crying.
I’ve practised the Hand in Hand Listening Tools for nearly ten years, and have experienced over and again the positive effects of a compassionately listened to emotional release in children. That didn’t stop me from silently wishing, that he’d ‘keep it together’. Especially with emotions running high just under the surface for all the adults in the room. In these situations, it can be so easy to slip up and give the frankly sexist message that “big boys don’t cry”, or shame the child with a careless “hey, don’t be such a sore loser”. Nor does a flippant ‘we win some, we lose some’ fit the bill. Instead we must really listen. It’s never the easy thing to do, but with lots of practice, it does become easier. Calmly, I acknowledged his dice hadn’t come up, that he didn’t like losing, and I listened closely and warmly while he cried. After around five minutes or so he was done, the rainstorm of tears was gone, and he was back in good spirits for the rest of the evening.
Later that night at bedtime, my nephew, who had been stoical but a bit tense all weekend about the big changes in his life, got upset about having to relocate from Australia for the year and start a new life in Sweden. My sister stayed and listened, and when she needed a break, I sat close to him on the bed and acknowledged it felt hard right now, but I knew he’d get through it. My son who was sharing his bedroom with him listened too and, when his cousin had stopped crying, warmly talked with him of the snow he could look forward to in Sweden and the new friends he’d make. A couple of days after they’d left my sister rang to say her son had gone off to his new school in great shape, with a bounce in his step and an eagerness to get started. She did say he’d had another couple of upsets about it in the run-up to his first day of a new school and that she’d listened. She said it was like: “he got it all out so he could look forward to it when it happened.” That’s what we at Hand in Hand Parenting call Staylistening. Try it yourself! Next time one of your children gets upset, move close, make warm gentle contact and listen with your heart open. You might be surprised at how your child shines afterwards.
STAYLISTENING – The Hows and Whys:
- During Staylistening you want to be doing at least 75% listening with just a bit of talking here and there. A child who is crying or having a tantrum is not in their ‘thinking, verbal’ pre-frontal cortex.
- The basic message you offer is simply: “I care.” “You are safe.”
- If your child has been scared: “I’m right here, I won’t go away.”
It’s worth remembering that the prefrontal cortex, the seat of verbal reasoning, takes around 21 to 25 years to fully develop in a human, whereas the limbic brain comes ‘on-line’ when your child is still in utero. Emotional responses reside in the limbic brain, which sits behind the pre-frontal cortex. While your child is growing and developing he or she will respond more to your non-verbal signals of warmth and care than to lectures, no matter how well thought out they may be. Open your heart and your mind to the tears as much as to the smiles and see how that warms your relationship with your child.
Anna Cole, Phd is a researcher, writer and parent educator with Hand in Hand Parenting. www.handinhandparenting.org. find her on Facebook (Hand in Hand Parenting with Anna Cole) to find out about her in-person and online classes. Anna is planning a Hand in Hand Parenting workshop in Ireland in the Spring.
Cultivating Wisdom
A Gardening Project for Schools
By Vilma Matuleviciute, Msc (President of IRH)
The Herb Patch started with the idea of bringing green spaces into urban schools that had none. It soon became clear that the garden was a valuable resource that children everywhere should benefit from and it was expanded to include rural schools.
The aim of this project is to give children an opportunity to develop a relationship with plants and an interest in the natural world. A familiarity with how to use herbs to maintain health is a valuable asset for us all and will benefit these children as they grow into adulthood.
Herbs and green spaces are great for children in many other ways – they encourage them to spend more time outside in the fresh air engaging in physical activity and they nurture in the young a sense of stewardship for our planet. They also help children to connect with healthy eating and they love learning about how to use herbs in cooking.
Gardening is great skill for children to cultivate as they discover more about plants and how easy it is to grow them. Even if there are only windows sills or window ledges available, it is still possible to grow a few plants and experience the excitement of watching them develop and learning how to nurture them. Children love growing plants especially ones they can taste and eat!
This is taken from our Spring 2015 issue. Subscribe here to receive our summer issue.
As parents, you can choose from many different children’s activities, so why would you choose yoga? In my experience, because it’s one of best to develop healthy bodies and minds. Yoga is fun, engaging and helps kids focus and calm down – while infusing self-worth. Physical poses grow strength, fl exibility and confi dence while yoga also teaches valuable lessons about being mindful and present.
What happens in kids’ yoga class? Children playfully explore through breath, stretching, jumping, twisting, bending, balancing, focussing, singing, being upside-down and relaxing. Whether children arrive tired or overactive, yoga helps to bring balance with vitality. It differs from a lot of other options in that it’s non-competitive, children don’t need to do more, better, faster. Practising poses develops awareness so they can access strengths and areas to improve but without self-judgment or comparison. Yoga’s framework and ethos lends itself to positive transformation, without the pressure. It provides quiet, perspective and rest – something that is as welcome to many children as it is to adults – and yoga stimulates the calming parasympathetic nervous system.
Introducing or offering the possibility to your child you may want to let them know a few things. Our classes often begin with bells or breathing, and include yoga poses and songs – many of which are theme-based – fun and empowering themes like jungle or courage! Relaxation includes visualisation techniques like imagining walking on a beach meditation or even a foot massage. We also include games, art or a chance to teach their friends.
wellwithin.ie | kidsandyoga.com
This is taken from our Spring 2015 issue. Subscribe here to receive our summer issue.