This is an excerpt from our Winter 2016 issue. Read the rest of the article by subscribing soon so we can post you a copy or by picking up a magazine from one of our lovely stockists all over Ireland. Tell them we say hi!
“All happy families are alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ~ Tolstoy
By Anna Cole
Having had the privilege of working with parents from all walks of life and hearing of their struggles and triumphs, I can tell you Tolstoy was wrong! Not all happy families are alike. Whether you’re a sole parent (or ‘soul’ parent as I like to spell it), a two parent family with a Mum and a Dad, a two Mum family, a two Dad family, an extended multi-generational family, a melded family, an adoptive family or any variation on the theme of family, you ARE family. No two families are quite alike and all have an equal chance of being happy.
From my experience it’s all unhappy families that are alike. When arguments dominate, when people get hurt, it’s because we all lose track of how to feel connected, loving and forgiving of our many limitations and mistakes as parents. Whatever permutation of family you are living in, it’s likely that you will be sharing the care of your children to a lesser or greater extent with a partner, or ex-partner. Some of our most difficult struggles can be about how to ‘parent from the same page’. It’s natural to want our partner, or ex-partner, to parent the same way as we do. When they don’t, that can leave us feeling frustrated and lonelier than we’d hoped. These feelings lead us to behave in ways towards our parenting partner that aren’t helpful. The number one tool to help you think well about how to parent from the same page is to find someone other than your partner to tell of those frustrations. At Hand in Hand Parenting we call this a Listening Partnership. When the heat starts to rise in your parenting journey around your partner, find another parent who will listen non-judgementally to you, agree an equal exchange of time and use a timer and listen while the other lets off steam.
The guidelines when listening are:
no advice, no interruption, just warm respect and attention. No referring back to what they say afterwards and keep it confidential. When it’s your turn to talk, go with whatever needs to be said. Show your feelings fully if you can and get all that annoyance, frustration, despair or whatever it is off your chest before you then talk with your parenting partner.
This is an excerpt from our Winter 2016 issue. Read the rest of the article by subscribing soon so we can post you a copy or by picking up a magazine from one of our lovely stockists all over Ireland. Tell them we say hi!
